In my last post, I mentioned the fact that I have trouble staying committed to blogging as well as getting myself to really get my ideas across. I got to thinking how this small little trait of mine isn't really that small. I realized last night that I seem to have trouble keeping long relationship.. that's not to say romance but any relationship. I asked myself why that is, and the only thing I can really come up with is my inability to stick around, come back and update. Looking back to all my relationship with people (friends in particular) i realized that I don't really have a person I can call a "childhood friend". Watching movies or hearing about people who ended up marrying their high school love, knew each other since they were 10 or even preschool friends, kinda makes me a little jealous that I never got to keep friendship that long. Just the fact that I moved half the way across the world at a young age makes it hard to have friends that go past 8 years of age.
The other day, I was driving in the car with a friend and we were listening to some old songs on her ipod and a song came up that made me nostaglic, sadden and even alone. Not because the song had anything to do with being alone but just the fact that it was song that I listened to a lot when I was in 7th grade and was also a song that my best friend of that time introduced me to. I suddenly missed her and thought back to all the wonderful and childish things that we did together as well as the connection we had back then. Funny thing was, this girl was my best friend since 4th grade, we broke up in 5th, got back together in 6th and kept it all the way up to 8th. Then high school came and I am sad to say we never talked since then. Just thinking of myself then.. with her makes me wish and regret what happened between us. It was such a meaningful friendship we had, she practically lived at my house for 3 years, I knew each and everyone of her family members and my mom came to see her as a second daughter. I had a best friend.
Looking back now, I see that the relationships that I had.. or have are all very meaningful and connected. I put all of myself into it and goes beyond just simple "friends". However, it seems like they are all short lived.. and I asked myself why that is. It's not that it become stale but I find myself slowly drifting apart and eventually sit back, regret, and wish I can rekindled that friendship again. The nostalgic moments ascended into self regret of all the friendship I lost throughout my life just because of my inability to stop myself from drifting. Even now, I can count the numbers of friends I have not talked to and seem to have lost (all because I stopped reaching out and make an effort to talk to.) That was why, a chance run in with a high school friend yesterday really hit me. This person was a good friend's boyfriend at the time and we became friends based on their dating. But somehow, through it all he and I got to talk a lot more and I considered him a really good friend. So college came, and we split up because of school location and such.. I haven't talked to him for over 3 years until yesterday. We got to talked for a little bit while he waited for his gf to come meet him. (remembered this was a chance run in). His gf came, and introduction was made, the big surprise was that he introduced me as HIS BEST FRIEND since high school.
I was taken back.. almost shocked at his label for me. I was confused at the best friend since part. Here we are, 3 years after high school without any contact , without any news of each other, and he still sees me as his very good friend? I was almost in tears at how much affection he still has for me and shame that I never put aside my own time to reach out to him all these years. I question myself on how to be a friend.. be a person. This chance run in really made me analyze my connection with the people around me. I know that I go out of my way for anyone I consider a friend and in doing so, see that we are very good friends indeed. However, the time rarely goes past a year a more.. before things become less than active.... stale. I can definitely think of a friend whom I was connected at the hips 1st year of college and whom I have not talked to or seen since winter quarter of 2nd year. Questionable me as a person.
I often sit and think about those people I lost, and really want to rekindled those relationships again. Sadly, I can't get myself to pick up the phone, dial that 6 years old number and hope they still pick up, push the button on the send email or even walk past their house to see if they are still there. The years have gone past and so many things have changed, the people, the circumstances, me, them. Everything makes it difficult to find that person whom I laughed, cried, giggled, told secrets to, ate with, played with and called at 3 in the morning with. What I really want to do now, is continue the relationships that I have and hope that in a couple more months I can still call those people my friends.. even through the very thing I dread most, staleness of life.
I miss my best friend.
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